Not Winning Mom of the Year
Find me anywhere you hear or see children
2006 Married Award Winning Dad
2008 Welcomed Big T
2010 Welcomed Lil’J
2012 Welcomed The Boss Man
University of Real Life
BA, Birthing Another
MA, Mothering Another
PHD, Praying Hard Daily
Chief Household Officer (CHO), managing the family income and expenses, house cleaning, meals, rules, family vacations, birthday parties, and extended family. I also oversee interior/ exterior maintenance, car maintenance, children’s lessons and instructions, school and school work, garbage day, every major holiday, or any other damn “special day” on the calendar i.e. Mother’s Day, Father’s Day, Halloween, PD Days, etc.
Translator, I am fluent and proficient in translating Toddlerese and Whinese
Teacher, my curriculum widely covers everything from the basics to those deep questions in life such as: “Where do babies come from?” “What are those?” and “Why Mommy?”
Personal Chef, I prepare three meals a day with snacks, including packed lunches, however do provide alternative meals on demand when initial meals are rejected.
Stylist, this includes everything from hair to clothing including manicures, pedicures and massages
On-Call Nurse, expert at applying Band-Aids and cold packs, administering medications, nasal sprays, and drops.
Negotiator, some of my most difficult situations include Christmas lists from my kids, any conversation with my Mother-in-Law, and the best deal from the snow plow guy.
Hazardous Materials Specialist, I consistently identify, quarantine, sanitize, and properly dispose hazardous waste i.e. diarrhea, vomit, spit, snot, urine on all surfaces, poop, etc…
Professional Shopper and Gift Wrapper, capable of selecting, purchasing, wrapping, and delivering gifts for all ages for all occasions within an hour all from the trunk of my car.
Potty Training Doula, I’ve coached my patients to success spending the unlimited amount of time required singing, reading, talking through, and praying for a diaper-less future, and continue to assist wiping butts into their underwear status.
Driver & Tour Guide, encouraging safety first, I personally lift each client into his/her seat and assist them getting their entire body strapped into the car. I even narrate and give detailed descriptions of the various locations we pass through providing in car entertainment, snacks, and emergency pee stops.
Professional Entertainer, this includes and is not limited to dancing, singing , storytelling, toy character shows, yoga, karate, soccer, tag, hide and seek, board games, puzzles, Lego, etc.
Dental Hygienist, pristine dental care provided, offering a variety of flavours and colors of toothpaste, all while brushing with the latest character tooth brushes and floss. No reservations in picking unknown bits out of a mouth with my finger and sniffing for bad breath.
Photographer, I excel in capturing the perfect shot of all my clients. My portfolio can be viewed here on Instagram @notawinningmom
House Cleaner, this includes and it not limited to toilets, vacuuming, mopping, dishes, laundry, windows, making beds, organizing, polishing, dusting, disinfecting, sanitizing, bleaching, and hand washing.
Police Officer, I excel at giving warnings, threatening, and continue to use the child gate on the stairs as a temporary jail.
Dry Cleaner, While I do wash, dry, fold, and put away all the laundry, I outsource the actual ironing and dry cleaning.
Multitasking Expert to be able to complete all daily tasks and then some
Personal Life Coach to all those under three feet tall
Personal Assistant to my Husband because that falls under the “wife” title, right?
Please hesitate before contacting me. I can barely keep up with my current role, and if you still choose to call you will likely be pushed to voice mail which I check on a monthly basis.
Thank you for your consideration,
Not Winning Mom of the Year