I am hoping that everyone is feeling a little out of control this time of year, please say you are. I have been waking up in a cold sweat the last few nights with my mind full. I almost ran a red light on the way to a meeting yesterday, not distracted by anything except the To Do list floating around in my brain. I have literally thrown my hands up with the boy’s piano recital tomorrow; I don’t even know what songs they are playing, Lil J will be wearing dress shoes one size too small, and I have still not figured out the recital location. From someone who is hyper prepared for everything, this is the equivalent of walking a tight rope over the Grand Canyon. I crawl into bed every night whispering to myself “get your shit together!”
The icing on the cake and the confirmation that I will need to find a therapist after the holiday is that I forgot the admin assistant’s birthday. We have never missed her birthday. I just realized this a week ago. Her birthday was on October 25th. Seriously, I couldn’t make that up if I tried. I sat there for at least ten minutes in disbelief after realizing it hoping I would wake up from this dream. Then I entered my symptoms into Web MD and I’m somewhere between early onset dementia and a heart attack. Reminding myself to “get my shit together”… I move on and figure out how to apologize for this.
The truth is I am freakin’ tired as hell from last summer. Yes, that’s right l.a.s.t. summer. I am stuck somewhere in between open houses from our house that is Still. Up. For. Sale., unpacked boxes in my dining room, some side projects, all the kids school stuff, and the c.o.n.s.t.a.n.t hum of my washer and dryer. I’m watching everyone buzz around me, but feel like I am moving in slow motion. This is not the pace I work at, this is not me. My husband just trucks along like normal, my kids would never know anything is wrong… I am a good actress I guess. “Get your shit together”.
It angers me that I’m walking around with this voice reminding me to get my shit together? Why? Why am I so hard myself? But the thing is when I grovel for pity from other moms willing to listen, I am not alone…. Why? Why are moms so hard on themselves? Something’s gotta give, moms need to start a movement and give up on the shit…